"Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our life, or the moments in our life make us?"
As I reflected back over the last year I wondered just that.. I realized that over this last year our moments have made us, whether they have impacted us negatively or positively, they have affected us. I started off the year in a timid state. Expecting our last child,.. as I knew it would be a rough journey I can remember thinking of my new year "resolution word" which was trust. I needed this word, I needed to learn to trust God, trust myself, trust my instincts.. and little did I know that this word would bring such an impact. As many of you know our journey to parenthood was not lined with daises and roses as it is for so many other people out there,.. we went through tremendous grief and loss, we lost a daughter a few weeks before her due date and two other angels early on in our pregnancy. When everyone else was worried about pickles and ice cream cravings in their pregnancy, I was worried about the life of my child, the affect every little thing I did would have and whether or not I'd get to hear my baby's first cry.
This year early on I had a feeling this pregnancy was 100% from God,.. it was a complete surprise and a blessing,... I'm not sure many of you were aware of this but Josh and I had decided to bring another child into our life but through adoption. We were completing the process and already finished a homestudy and were getting close to being on a waiting list when I discovered I was pregnant. Now as I reflect on 2011, I realize that it was God's plan all along. Maybe he needed to have my dependence totally on Him, maybe he wanted to see if we'd obey what we felt He was calling us to or maybe it was to prepare us for our future.
June 15, 2011 was a routine doctors visit. A couple weeks previous I had been told by my maternal fetal medicine specialist our baby girls placenta was looking "aged", but that it was fine for now and could hold up for several more weeks, he was hoping. I wasn't really sure what this meant, I was 30 weeks so in my mind an "aged" placenta wasn't a good thing especially since our Quinn was just 4 pounds 3 oz at the time. On the visit June 15th Josh decided to accompany me that day, I don't know if he sensed the nervousness in my voice or just knew he needed to be there. The doctor squirted the cold gel on my belly like he had done so many times before and as soon as the picture hit the screen I could tell something was different. The doctor's demeanor changed and within a few minutes he looked at me and said, "This baby is cooked, we gotta get her out." I was terrified.
Here I was 32 weeks pregnant and come to find out Quinn's weight had stalled, her water was gone which was a sign her placenta was done working correctly and her activity wasn't well. He told me I needed to go over to the hospital and he'd be over soon. The walk to the hospital was terrifying, I didn't know what was in store for me but it was all I could do not to cry.. I was checked in at once and they started me on steroids for her lungs.. they let me know that she was significantly early and her lungs needed a jumpstart so she wouldn't have problems breathing... my doctor decided to wait one more day to evaluate the situation and then said he would make a decision the next day, but he wanted to give the steroids at least 24 hours to work. By the next evening things had deteriorated. By then Quinn's heart was decelerating and I was beginning to have intense contractions and since she had no water it was putting stress on her umbilical cord each time.
At 8:30 that evening I was rolled into an emergency C-section and a few moments later Quinn Addison-Mae was born. She was the tiniest baby I'd ever seen in real life. She was a whopping 4 pounds and 7 oz and I only got to kiss her for a brief moment before she was whisked away and I laid alone on a hospital bed while they finished my surgery wondering what was happening with my baby as the NICU felt lightyears away. She spent 20 days at St John Medical Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma NICU and still came home on an apnea monitor for two months due to breathing and apnea issues. That whole experience made me such a stronger person and most of all it helped me learn to practice the word TRUST. When your infant baby is laying in a hospital bed with tubes and wires sticking out from every direction, alarms and beeping, nurses running here and there and there is a tube down their throat to feed them, you aren't left alot of choices other than to trust in God. I once heard if we ask for God to give us courage, does he just give us courage or does he give us chances to be courageous.
From this experience I learned so much, I learned independence as I spent nearly every day up at the hospital for 12 hours alone, I learned patience, when you have a sick helpless child, there is nothing you can do to speed up the process of healing,.. it takes time. I learned to enjoy each moment and each day more. If you've never been in a NICU in a hospital its a funny thing, it's a place of such sadness and hope all squeezed together in one. A place of distraught parents and parents holding on to hope, parents willing their children to fight. I learned alot about myself and my husband in this situation. I learned that sometimes the things we think matter so much are simply a vapor of this life. This situation changed me in so many ways. It changed who I am and what I aspire to be in a person. It helped me appreciate the little things so much more, like laughter, love and time together.
Reflection is a funny thing, it makes you either realize who you were, who you are or who you want to become,.. or maybe a little bit of all of those things.
Long days and nights in the NICU....
As for a new year that's to come 2012. Wow I don't honestly know what to expect of this year,... I can tell you there are things I hope to accomplish this year,.. and maybe they aren't big things, or maybe they will become big things. I do know I want to help people more. I want to give more of myself and expect less in return. We live in such a selfish day and age, a time when its more about what you can get than what you can give.
Of course part of me wants to change the world :) I'm not sure how I'm going to do that yet but my mind is definitely plotting... and even if I don't change the world as a whole, maybe I can change one person's world..
On a lighter note I want to continue to coupon, and of course blog,,... how much fun is it to sit down and air out your feelings. I used to write a whole lot growing up. Every emotion I had would elicit a response with words on paper but as I grew up I got away from that. I'm not really sure why. Writing to me is very soothing to my soul and as this year goes on I hope to share more. Even if I don't do anything beyond blogging about my hilarious children. Being a stay-at-home mother is probably the most amusing job out there aside from Tom Burgeon's job!! After all I might as well use my mad typing skills somewhere ;) ...
Happy New Year to everyone! I have a feeling this year is going to be exactly what you make of it!!!
Every day you wake up, you have a reason to smile!
