Forgetting what "normal" is like.
As I lay here wide awake in the evening hours my mind racing with a million facts, questions and musings. I realize I've forgotten what normal is like. Now let me be first to tell you I'm not necessarily a fan of normal but other people are. To be honest sometimes normal takes much less effort than different also. I'm not talking about fitting in with the crowd and having the most popular in style shirt or looking normal like the rest of population. I've simply forgot what being normal is.
10 years ago I became a mother to my firstborn. Life was a breeze with him. So much so that a few years later we tried again for another baby. Then came our now 7 year old curly headed quiet and funny daughter. Then after believing we would never have another child God gave us my last born. A 3 year old blessing with the biggest eyes and even a bigger love to melt your heart. But you see when he blessed us with her we didn't realize it would change our normal. She was born partially deaf with auditory neuropathy even though we didn't discover it until she was 3. I can remember thinking maybe she was just a "difficult" toddler. I mean everyone has those right? I can still remember being at a department store when she had her first blood curdling episode. The lady working behind the counter looked over her glasses and point blank said, "you know a doctor can give you medication to fix that." I left without even getting what I came for and strapped her into her car seat and cried. I didn't understand that my idea of normal was already changing.
At 3 years old after multiple doctors visits and unintelligible speech issues we had a diagnosis. I don't know when you get that ldiagnosis whether it is supposed to feel better or worse. I think a little of both. She had auditory neuropathy in her right ear which in short connected to the left side of her brain which was responsible for speech. Not "normal" hearing loss. They described it like hearing through a loud static radio. Never silence... always noise. And since it was like that it meant fixing it wouldn't be easy either. Matter of fact there was no magic device that would fix it. No surgery, no medication. Only therapy, time, and learning to be a new normal.
We are down to double digit countdown for a trial run of our first round of devices after a year of waiting.
I some days feel like a complete failure as a mother. How do you mother a child who can understand at the capacity of a 5 year old (she's been tested so we know) but can communicate only as a not even 2 year old.
People stare.. people hush, whispers... She's louder than she means because it's never silent in her head, in loud places she places her hands over her ears and yells "too loud, owie", her temper is some days uncontrollable,.. which we've been told is also an outlet because she's so frustrated.... I some days just cry with her because I can't understand what she's saying.. some days I feel like I've failed my other children because I ask them to help me, whether it's calm her or help decipher what she's saying.. she doesn't sleep well.. because her noise never stops. People suggest.. if you'd just spank her it would stop that behavior.... I've wanted to scream in their faces.. don't you think I've tried a spanking???!?! My heart some days handles not being normal less than others. Like when her brother asks.. "mom will Quinn ever be able to talk normal?" I have no answer for that because I don't know.
Sometimes until you live the life of not being "normal" it's hard to be sympathetic... but let me end with something.. the next time you hear a kid being overly inappropriately loud, or throwing a tantrum in public don't look at that mother with judging eyes. She feels horrible enough without you staring daggers at her or posting on Facebook how your "so glad your children are well behaved" you have no idea what not being "normal" is like. How many nights and days she's cried because trust me she wants life to be easier but it just isn't. But you know what. She's doing the best she can with what she has and unless your willing to walk a mile in her shoes try a friendly smile, don't judge her when your standing there with your healthy normal children and she can't get her child to speak softer or she can't get her off the floor a moment to understand why she's throwing a fit.
Trust me it would be easier for us to be normal like you, but God had different plans for us.
Amanda
