Looking for the light.

Sometimes I feel like darkness is necessary. In order to appreciate the light. Other times I feel that darkness is a punishment. A misunderstanding. Or a judgement. No one wants to be around the hurting. We want to say we are. Or falsely embrace their pain,  so as long as it doesn't affect us. Where do I get these ludicrous a accusations you ask.. well from my very own soul in pain. They say misery loves company but I beg to differ... misery is isolation. Misery pushes people away. People want to love happy people. I've never understood that until I became the suffering. We want to sit in our happy circles and pat ourselves on the back at how happy and hopeful we are. And that's the easiest job ever when that's you. For that has been me. What a great job being positive we are doing. When in fact others around us are in pain. The merciful are deemed either weak, fake or giving company to someone else's misery. I don't understand this way of living. It's such a false sense of happiness. I want to feel. Even if it is pain. At least I am feeling. I want to love so deeply if the one I love is in pain I feel it in the depth of my soul. We get so caught up in our own lives we forget. We don't reach out. We become stagnant pools teeming with bacteria in our own self good. Living in such a world is almost painful. When your hurting it's pure torture to live in such a world of little compassion until it's too late. False inspiration. False hope. It becomes all too familiar. Choosing happiness is easy when life is good. Choose happiness is hard when life isn't easy. But even if you choose happiness that may not change the pain inside. I can choose to smile when the pain cuts like a knife or I can choose to laugh through tears. Choosing happiness doesn't mean the pain goes away. It means you learn to smile through the pain. We must remember that when you see someone in pain. It's not about choice as much as it is about compassion. Choosing happiness can be done even when the darkness is choking you out. But that doesn't mean your room will fill up with light. Sometimes being happy in the dark just looks a little differently than in the light. Think of a dark room with a cracked curtain. You can spend your time trying to focus on things that you can't make out due to the lack of light or you can appreciate at least whIle in the dark you can cry without notice. You can hide or even spend your time closing your eyes trying to understand where the light went. Even if I got up and flung open the curtains it would be extremely painful. Seeing the light is a gradual process. Learning to adjust. That's where I'm content at. And I guess if people are unwilling to be in the dark with me. They can peek through the crack in my curtain and make speculations all they want. But until you've been inside the room you don't know what it's like in the darkness.