Do you see this picture above? No it's not a boob haha! It's a circle! Get your mind out of the gutter geeze! It's a circle with a speck In the middle, but do you notice your eye automatically goes to the speck! That dot takes up less than 10% of that entire circle, but you see the speck,... Remember that...
Sometimes I think I spend most of my time coming up with excuses, why I should or shouldn't do something, what someone might think or frankly maybe I spend alot of my time preaching about embracing change but when it comes down to me being the change I see coming my way, I panic. The opportunity has presented itself to me many times in the last year, a pin I pinned on Pinterest, a mothers blog written from the depths of her heart, a picture, a feeling, a smell. A year ago I pursued my dream, to become a hairdresser! Something thankfully Im good at! Something I love! I love that feeling of helping someone feel the best about themselves. They come to see me sometimes, sad, discouraged or feeling down on themselves. By the time I'm done with them I hope that they leave with the feeling of happiness! A smile on their face, the way it lights up with their satisfaction, it means the world to me and its what fuels me every day! I left the full time job of being a stay at home mother. Something I have to be honest with you, I wasn't very good at!! Surprised? Don't be! This is what being a stay at home mother consisted in me, I got up late, kids were at school late, I didn't cook a balanced breakfast, I threw pop tarts at their heads as we were running out the door, I was tired, yeah the house was clean sometimes, I longed for naptime. I did the occasional craft with them or outing but you see I was missing the point. I was missing what I was supposed to be doing because all I could focus on was my "speck" my failures, my weaknesses, my flaws. I critiqued my mothering abilities and went on a downward slide until I finally gave up.
Yes you heard me correctly. I gave up on being a "mother". I decided the easiest way to fix this was go to work. But really i was searching for satisfaction in myself. i wanted to do something i was good at,something that i felt like gave results. I overnight decided to put my one year old in childcare and pursue something I felt like I wasn't going to fail at! Something I had control over. It has been a journey that has lasted about 11 months. I've done everything I set out to accomplish, depending on what standards I'm looking at. Sadly I've not been the best mother. I'm not bashing anyone's ability to mother and work I'm simply telling you my ability and its not good,... I basically went on a rabbit chase because I was so scared at failing on being a good mother ... All I ever wanted was the picture perfect stay at home life, I wanted to be up with my makeup on before 7, coffee drank, house tidied, kids in order, lunches packed, errands ran, dinner cooked and sexy and appealing to my husband after being pooped, kicked and puked on for 12 hours straight. When I couldn't do this, I essentially figured I wasn't cut out for the job. You see, I focused on the wrong things, i didn't see my daughter who learned to walk because I was on the floor helping her as an accomplishment, or my 4 year old learning to hop on one foot because I traced hopscotch on the sidewalk as an accomplishment. It grieves my heart to look back at what accomplishments I so easily took as nothing. Lately The Lord has been moving in our lives in ways my mind has never fathomed... (Ill leave those details for another blog) He's shown me weaknesses and ways I cope with situations that are frankly costly and dangerous. He's shown me how my selfishness and need for satisfaction and success has lost me precious time ill never gain back. He's showed me that I was the one setting standards for how "good" of a mother I should be. And when I didn't reach it and essentially failed I was the one who wouldn't let myself forgive myself...
So in obedience what I've done as my full time job will now become my part time hobby. Yes. In the last 10 months I've loved the people I've met, my clients my friends. I've grown In ways I can't describe, but it was never my intended full time job. Not the job I was supposed to have from the beginning. I'm not quitting my lovely hair cutting career for good. I'm just cutting it down to bare essentials. After discussing with my husband and praying about it we have decided 4 days a month will be what I'll do, two days every other week. My full time duty is now to my children. One day when The Lord has my child raising over, I can't wait to spend the rest of my days making people beautified!! Until then it's going to be an adjustment as I learn to focus on my circle, not dots allowed!
Learning more about myself daily,
Amanda
The Modest Mom
I would like to thank my very best friend Tara Vandiver. She has loved me through it all. She has listened to me cry, helped me laugh at my bitterness and been the sister I've never had. Shes inspired me, hoped for me and always helped me remember what is important. This blog is dedicated to her.
