I sit here this early afternoon under a warm electric blanket in silence with the exception of the radio playing softly beside me. In bed still. I ask myself. Why am I still here. It is 11 oclock. I should be up. The problem is i've been sick the last couple weeks. Not sick like give me some cough syrup and an antibiotic (oh how I wish it was that easy)... but sick as in being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. When I got this news I was relieved because I had answers but it didn't take long for the resentment, anger, confusion and jealously to set in. Not understanding why me? I have asked this question alot in my life it feels like.
I have sat in the last week in a fog awaiting the doctor appointment to begin what I can only describe as a lifelong sentence to medication. Whether it be supplementation or prescribed. I will never get away from this. I cant run away. I cant will myself better. There is no magic pill. There is no magic surgery. This was a life sentence. It came on suddenly and scary as a matter of fact. Weakness follwed by forgetting who I was momentarily, realizing I couldnt remmeber what day it was, Waiting for the doctor has been a huge struggle. If you've ever lived in this state you would understand just how hard it makes it to just daily function and do regular things like grocery shop, clean house, remember to get your kids from school or that they are properly dressed or homework is done. Its terrible to feel as if your mind is leaving you. I type this in a fog as I want so badly to explain how living this way feels but I struggle as my fingers move to keep my brain moving at the same pace. You begin to ask yourself questions. Uncertain if you will ever be the same. You begin to fear the future, be jealous of the past and grieve the present.
Today I woke up in the same fog I have been the last couple weeks. Today feels better than yesterday but not quite as good as the day before. I havent made it passed my bed yet. Remnants of breakfast, clumps of hair that have began falling out, strewed about the pile of colored pencils, in my jacket in bed under my blanket and still freezing cold. All I can hold onto the fact that this morning, despite my pain, my memory, my confusion that God hasn't left me. This morning I was grasping at straws and reached for my bible and grabbed an old devotional on the bedside table from 2013 I opened it to a devotional called "The Survival Float" It brought me straight to Psalms 55. I read this and tried all I could do to not soak the pages of my bible in my tears. I am broken and confused. I'm a little angry to be honest.. not at God. Just at the kinda luck I always seem to have. Then God brought me this verse. "Cast your care on the Lord and he will sustain you"... not heal you, not rescue you, not make it all better. He will sustain you... that doesn't mean God wont heal me. He might choose to. He might choose to make me better but right now I know He is telling me to hold onto Him tight. He is my survival float. And He is telling me. No matter what he will sustain me. And as the very last sentence of psalms closes I realized this was my answer. "But as for me, I trust in You."
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