I need a bigger house.

As soon as those words escaped my lips, I felt automatic shame. Why do I need a bigger house? To store more of my unnecessary stuff of course... Then it dawned on me. Why do we hold onto stuff?

Some reasons I have held onto items in my life:

For the assumption I will surely need this one day? Possibly yes, but unless someday is in the next 6 months to a year do you really still need it? We hold onto things we think may save us a buck or two down the road, or maybe that extra coffee pot that sits under the counter just in case you get a whim to make coffee for a houseful of guests you've not had in over 3 years. I don't need that, and I'm sure if I donate the item I'll have immediate remorse and crave a huge ol pot of coffee right? Why do we do this as humans... We have had the coffee pot for years and only used it a handful of times but know if we rid ourselves of it we will need it. 

Another big reason I've held onto something, to please my family. Now hear me out before offense sets in. Oh that teddy bear was given to you by your great aunt Bertha, given it's 6 feet tall and 4 feet wide we absolutely can't get rid of that it will hurt her feelings!! Why is it when someone bestows a gift to you, it's not okay to bestow that same gift to someone else? Maybe the teddy bear has given our family so much joy and we no longer have the space and there is not as much love going around toward the bear that there once was.. Is it not okay to share that love? To give that excitement to someone less fortunate? It amazes me how we think that teddy bear should never leave the home, should always be the centerpiece and never replaced. The truth of the matter is that things are replaced, children outgrow wonders of things they once loved and move on to different awe Inspiring things. The truth of the matter isn't the item, it is the memory. And the belief that somehow that bear will bring us back in a place in time that we once were. You may call me calloused and non sentimental but hear me out, I have very few things from my childhood. I have enough things to fill up one small grey tote, those things include picture albums, a couple stuffed toys, some cheerleading Pom poms, a porcelain doll, and a few trophies. Although I enjoy looking and reminiscing about these items I feel no loss in items I remember but so graciously have passed on to others. Such as I had a 3ft tall life size Barbie doll! That doll was my best friend years! We danced, we played, I ultimately cut all her hair off! Ha! She brought me so much joy! Am I sad that my mother didn't save her until she was dry rotted to pass down to my girls?? Heavens no!! Do I remember her? Yes! Let's move on. 

My point is simply this. Things are things! Items are to be loved but not to become our true love! Today as I ached for a larger house to store more of my stuff I thought to myself... Really Amanda? What are a couple items you can think of that your children TRULY cherish right now. The list is as so...

Caedence- first would be his stuffed pup cliffy. He has had that since he was 3. Secondly his "thing right now" is his Pokemon cards. 

Emery- first would be her "angry bird" collection set. Second might be her dress up bag. 

Quinn- First would be her baby doll, any of them for that matter. Second would be her play kitchen and doll stroller.  

As you can see this list is minimal. I can promise you their rooms contain a lot more than this list... Let's take it up a notch 

How many things off the top of my head appliance like do I own but haven't used in the last 6 months... 

😳 I'm honestly embarrassed to say.... So I'll leave you wondering..

My point is we have to get to a point(and by we I mean ME,) that we allow ourselves to enjoy our items without thinking we need our items.. I clean out quite a bit. But after today I've realized I always surface clean.. I'm really afraid to get rid of something to offend or hurt someone ... Or because I THINK I need it. Everything I need is in my Lord and my family.. I don't need a big house filled with things. I need to remember that simplicity is okay. And I'm sure The Lord would want me to remember giving things, even if they were a gift or once brought us joy, should be bestowed to others and not hoarded in a closet with some hope they will bring me happiness later on in life. 

Sometimes I think I have to verbalize these things to myself just as an affirmation I remember them. 

Hopefully this revelation will begin me on a journey of giving more, storing less and enjoying my small space of love and home that was blessed to us! 

Until next time. 

Amanda 

The modest mom 

Lyme Will not define us.

Before Lyme hijacked our lives................

A daily routine includes, getting up preparing my 5 year old a 100% gluten free lunch, getting all the kids up and ready for the day, then preparing a gluten free snack, gluten free breakfast and then  1/4 teaspoon of this medicine, a 1/2 a pill of that one, another teaspoon of this one, and 2 ml of that one,.. followed by water, dishes, book bags and they are out the door until 3 o'clock when we start the medicine again. Strict diet, lots of googling and cooking and dishes, It doesn't end until our heads hit the pillow, then 7 hours later we start over. We do mental checks of calendars, appointments and bloodwork, new prescriptions and changing prescriptions.. Matter of fact the pharmacist knows me on a first name basis by now. It's hard work. Lyme disease isn't an easy fix. But I remember back.. It wasn't always like this.

December 2013 changed everything. We were chugging through life. Three beautiful, healthy kids. My husband settling into a new career, me working full time as a stay at home mom. Monotonous of daily life happily filling our tanks. One morning my five year old Emy woke up with a fever. I gave her some meds, a wash rag on her head and turned on cartoons. You know, the normal remedy for a "sick day" but by noon when I realized the medicine wasn't working and she was regressing and quickly. Her fever shot up to 105, she was limp, lifeless and I just had a feeling in the pit of my stomach.. Something was seriously wrong. 

I don't like to elaborate on the details of the first doctors visit and the many after that didn't give us answers. We spent close to 40 agonizing days of no answers, she began getting migraines, nose bleeds,.. She had changed. She wasn't the same little girl. She was angry, aggressive. I'd never seen this in her. And it was frightening for me. There was blood work, enough to where at 5 she was hardly flinching at getting it drawn.. A hosptial stay, IVs, medication "guessing" diagnoses at what could be wrong... finally we drove 8 hours and 20 minutes to see a doctor who laid it all on the table with confidence. Lyme disease. Definite. With 2 co-infections. Which meant in short. She was very sick. She had failed numerous neurological exams. The infection had spread. It was severe. It was chronic...., Chronic,....that 7 letter word hits you in an unexpected way as a parent... It was painful, confusing and hard to hear. It was also relieving. We had answers. We had a plan. We had hope. 

Here are some pictures of the early days of her illness. 

I hardly ever got to see her beautiful smiles anymore.. Sunshine made her life miserable she was so photophobic. 

Her illness stumped even the best children's hosptial. Her blood work wasn't normal. She had elevated liver enzymes, they couldn't pinpoint it. 

Her "friends" did make the hosptial stay a little better .... 

The "thumbs up" it became her trademark of getting better. We said from day one we would fight this and we would win. 

Her specialist had a great a plan. It was a long term medication treatment. To treat all three infections. To push them Into remission. This wasn't a cure to eradicate the disease because there wasn't one. It was hope to live a halfway normal life without so much pain, with only fear of flare ups and not a constant fight on a daily basis against the disease and all the damage it does. 

He said she needed to be 100% gluten free. Which would help her fight. That wasn't too hard to embrace since I needed to be gluten free (even though I wasn't living it) due to autoimmune disorders.. It's different though being told that for your child than as an adult. It meant no indulging at class parties, no sack lunches with your friends. It means being very careful, having to ask before you chomp down on a cookie at Halloween, or have that slice of cake at a friends birthday party. You can only have those special treats prepared especially for you... You no longer can be part of the "crowd" 

It's been around 2 months since her diagnosis and she began treatment. I'm amazed by how much she has improved. How much of that little girl is returning to me.  It's not gone. I still see lingering lyme in her lazy eye. Or in her headaches that only come once every couple weeks now. I still see lyme here and there when her body overreacts to something it doesn't like and she suffers. But I see smiles now. I hear laughter. I see her spinning around like a ballerina in the bright sunshine without crying the light is too bright. The anger has diminished, and now is closer to that normal in a frustrated five year old. We haven't won, but we are fighting. And we are winning. I see it in every milestone we reach. 

Until next time,

The Modest Mom

All rights to photopgrahy below are given and recognized to

www.carriepalmerphotography.com 

Who helped us capture this beautiful picture of fighting Lyme disease!! 

Maybe Gandhi had a point,..

Soak it in,... This quote by Gandhi I ran across this morning. It astounded me and made me really think a moment. Then it hit me. This is how outsiders, people not "raised" "born" and "bred" in church see the Americanized form of Christianity so prevalent in America today. Can we blame them? 

We preach Jesus but scoff at sinners and hate gays. We preach love and forgiveness but cheer when people hate and are the first to throw the stones when we think we see an offense in someone,... We preach we want to save the lost but we stick to our clicks, we don't want to reach out, that seems like too much work!" We say Jesus said feed the hungry but we gorge ourselves with the good stuff and give scraps to our neighbor who is hungry. Maybe Gandhi had a point, how alike of Christ are we. We are to be like" mini"Christ" but I think we are more conformed like "mini-Pharisees" look at some of the comparisons,.. 

Jesus walked with sinners, he was dirty I'm sure, he probably didn't smell the best, he touched lepers, he ate with sinners and tax collectors. He associated with the people no one wanted to be seen with because he wanted to share the love of heaven. 

Now lets look at the American church. We report Sunday and wear our very best, no jeans in church, wear a dress, make sure you look, smell and act your best.  Our churches aren't filled with people who look different than us, they aren't filled with lepers, they are filled with plastic American Christians trying to look their best,.. For who? God? Im pretty sure God can see how dirty you are on the inside he doesn't care if you shined your shoes or wore your best dress. 

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh. But you know what. I've felt those stares. Of not being the best dressed or most appropriate. I wasn't raised in church! I barely owned a dress. I'm the girl in skinny jeans and a tshirt, my husband is the guy who has tattoos down his arms in jeans and a tshirt and we aren't perfect. We were once lepers who Jesus cleansed and so we want to go to church to raise our hands and WORSHIP and THANK him! Not to look good. We don't try and look different it's just who we are. We want to come to Him just as we are BECAUSE he's  cleaned up our insides.

 I guess if he decides to one day we might become penny loafer wearing people  :) but for now he loves me like I am :) I think when Jesus healed people we see it as he fixed their outside but I think he was more concerned about their insides.... We just fail to see that. Leprosy rotted people from the inside out. Not the other way around. Remember that.  

Strawberry infused water, oh my!

Well over the last few months due to some health reasons I've been trying to give up my horrible diet coke addiction! Don't get me started on how horrible the stuff is for you,.. However I still managed to slurp a good 2-4 diet sodas a day down shamelessly! I finally decided it had to stop! So even though I had been substituting my caffeine need with tea or coffee, I needed a filler drink! Something that would help me get my water intake without feeling like I was drinking water,... (I don't care for water) :/ I know I know horrible huh?!! 

Well I grabbed my kids koolaid pitcher, a handful of fresh strawberries and my truvia sugar**! I sliced the strawberries in fours, cut off the tops to trash and threw them in the pitcher then I added 1 quart of water with ice. After that, I poured my drink (making sure to get fruit in my glass) and used one truvia packet! It was delish!!! Just to note my second glass I cut it down to half a pack of truvia and it was just as good!

**(For those of you that don't know truvia is a zero calorie sweetener derived from the stevia plant! It's the best for you artificial sweeter there is! I like the green/white box one!) 

The end result! Zero calories! Vitamins infused right into my water without the preservatives and a healthy tasty drink you can have every day! 

Homemade vitamin water? Yes please! 

Until next time! 

The modest mom 

Amanda 

Mason Jar Sippies

It all started with this,.....

Sometimes I found myself scared to open these chamber walls for fear of what would topple on me. I spent days pinning organization and DIY. When one day I'd finally had it. I don't know if it was the semi-concussions from the cups that had fallen on me the many times before, or if it was my newfound love for DIY, but one day I opened my cabinets and started chunking cups like they were bad omens or something. I remembered a very cute DIY I'd seen before turning mason jars into cups with lids. Everyone with kids aged 9, 5 and. 2 knows the words "lids" is a very important word in our everyday language!!! With a quick google, I found what I needed. I bought two boxes of mason jars, 20 rubber grommets, a package of straws and some colorful duct tape and got to work. 

I borrowed my husbands drill,... I've been begging for one of my own for weeks now, "no honey I don't want that new coach purse I'd like a drill and sander please," ;) here is a quick picture tutorial how I turned my cabinets from scary to simple! 

 

Step 1: gather the necessary supplies 

It took couple trial and errors so I will tell you what did and didn't work for me. At first I tried taking the lids off and drilling them on the cardboard. The hole was jagged and not circular. I also tried drilling them silver side up, which left jagged pieces in the inside of the cup which I didn't like either. Finally I discovered the best way was,...

Step 2: Leaving them in the box, turning the lid upside down and re-screwing the cap on. 

Step 3: Drilling then with them in the box (hold with one hand I just am not pictured here doing that because I had to snap a picture ;) ) drill completely through making a nice round circle.

Step 4: Some jagged edges may be left around the top just hammer them down and they will flake off.

 Step 5: Squeeze the rubber grommet down and wiggle it into the hole. 

Step 6: Pinch and insert straws.

I will note that finding small rubber grommets are HARD! After numerous calls and searching I located them at Lowes in the hardware drawers! They sold them in packs of two for $1.09 a piece!! 

Step 6: (optional) I also decided I wanted to spice my cups up a bit! So I bought some of this pretty turquoise waterproof duct tape from target! After embellishing make sure you hand-wash them really well since there will be small metal shards from the drilling. 

This was a very fun, easy and cheap DIY! It wouldn't take but a couple hours to transform the inside of your kitchen cabinets from scary to simple!! Now every time I get a drink I can enjoy them in my mason jars like I used to when I was a kid!

Switching gears...

One of the hardest things I've discovered about our transitioning me back to stay at home is the ability to switch gears. It seems like I find myself constantly rushing. Rushing kids to eat breakfast, rushing to clean the house, rushing to school, rushing home, rushing here to this appointment or that priority. Yesterday during all the chaos The Lord brought building blocks to my mind. No I'm not crazy just hear me out. He just said "build blocks" at first I thought.. Are you kidding me? I have laundry, dishes, this and that to clean and do. But being the unhappy "obedient" daughter I was attempting to be, asked my two year old if she wanted to build blocks. She cheerfully agreed and we dug the dusty blocks out of the closet and started to build. I looked up and caught this face. 

 

This face was looking back at me across from her block tower. So proud. My heart sank as I realized I couldn't remember the last time I sat down and played blocks or anything for that matter with her. We built towers, we knocked down towers, we laughed we played. 

I realized I tend to find myself usually either wanting mom time, or doing what I always assumed was serving my family, by cleaning, cooking, tending to their daily needs when I realized I maybe had neglected the one thing I should have focused on more,.... time. Time is a tricky thing. We are convinced we have plenty of it. When I'm starting to realize this is nothing but a lie from the enemy. Don't get me wrong coffee alone is glorious, a clean tidy house is wonderful! But sometimes we need to set down our cups of coffee or bottle of pine sol to look at the face staring at us on the other side of their block tower. Too soon their face will just be a memory we have. I'm thankful The Lord brings me little teachable moments on busy days. I've been in high gear for close to 12 months, so it's going to be an adjustment switching it to low gear but I am thrilled I haven't waited until my children are grown to realize I need this. I need to set my cruise control and enjoy these small moments. Not for just my children but for me, and my soul. I want my kids to remember ME and my love for them, Not that they always had clean socks...

Blessings again,

The modest Mom 

Amanda 

It is time,...

Do you see this picture above? No it's not a boob haha! It's a circle! Get your mind out of the gutter geeze! It's a circle with a speck In the middle, but do you notice your eye automatically goes to the speck! That dot takes up less than 10% of that entire circle, but you see the speck,... Remember that...

Sometimes I think I spend most of my time coming up with excuses, why I should or shouldn't do something, what someone might think or frankly maybe I spend alot of my time preaching about embracing change but when it comes down to me being the change I see coming my way, I panic. The opportunity has presented itself to me many times in the last year, a pin I pinned on Pinterest, a mothers blog written from the depths of her heart, a picture, a feeling, a smell. A year ago I pursued my dream, to become a hairdresser! Something thankfully Im good at! Something I love! I love that feeling of helping someone feel the best about themselves. They come to see me sometimes, sad, discouraged or feeling down on themselves. By the time I'm done with them I hope that they leave with the feeling of happiness! A smile on their face, the way it lights up with their satisfaction, it means the world to me and its what fuels me every day! I left the full time job of being a stay at home mother. Something I have to be honest with you, I wasn't very good at!! Surprised? Don't be! This is what being a stay at home mother consisted in me, I got up late, kids were at school late, I didn't cook a balanced breakfast, I threw pop tarts at their heads as we were running out the door, I was tired, yeah the house was clean sometimes, I longed for naptime. I did the occasional craft with them or outing but you see I was missing the point. I was missing what I was supposed to be doing because all I could focus on was my "speck" my failures, my weaknesses, my flaws. I critiqued my mothering abilities and went on a downward slide until I finally gave up. 

Yes you heard me correctly. I gave up on being a "mother". I decided the easiest way to fix this was go to work. But really i was searching for satisfaction in myself. i wanted to do something i was good at,something  that i felt like gave results. I overnight decided to put my one year old in childcare and pursue something I felt like I wasn't going to fail at! Something I had control over. It has been a journey that has lasted about 11 months. I've done everything I set out to accomplish, depending on what standards I'm looking at. Sadly I've not been the best mother. I'm not bashing anyone's ability to mother and work I'm simply telling you my ability and its not good,... I basically went on a rabbit chase because I was so scared at failing on being a good mother ... All I ever wanted was the picture perfect stay at home life, I wanted to be up with my makeup on before 7, coffee drank, house tidied, kids in order, lunches packed, errands ran, dinner cooked and sexy and appealing to my husband after being pooped, kicked and puked on for 12 hours straight. When I couldn't do this, I essentially figured I wasn't cut out for the job. You see, I focused on the wrong things, i didn't see my daughter who learned to walk because I was on the floor helping her as an accomplishment, or my 4 year old learning to hop on one foot because I traced hopscotch on the sidewalk as an accomplishment. It grieves my heart to look back at what accomplishments I so easily took as nothing.  Lately The Lord has been moving in our lives in ways my mind has never fathomed... (Ill leave those details for another blog) He's shown me weaknesses and ways I cope with situations that are frankly costly and dangerous. He's shown me how my selfishness and need for satisfaction and success has lost me precious time ill never gain back. He's showed me that I was the one setting standards for how "good" of a mother I should be. And when I didn't reach it and essentially failed I was the one who wouldn't let myself forgive myself... 

So in obedience what I've done as my full time job will now become my part time hobby. Yes. In the last 10 months I've loved the people I've met, my clients my friends. I've grown In ways I can't describe, but it was never my intended full time job. Not the job I was supposed to have from the beginning. I'm not quitting my lovely hair cutting career for good. I'm just cutting it down to bare essentials. After discussing with my husband and praying about it we have decided 4 days a month will be what I'll do, two days every other week. My full time duty is now to my children. One day when The Lord has my child raising over, I can't wait to spend the rest of my days making people beautified!! Until then it's going to be an adjustment as I learn to focus on my circle, not dots allowed! 

   

Learning more about myself daily,

Amanda

The Modest Mom 

I would like to thank my very best friend Tara Vandiver. She has loved me through it all. She has listened to me cry, helped me laugh at my bitterness and been the sister I've never had. Shes inspired me, hoped for me and always helped me remember what is important. This blog is dedicated to her.