The lonely Christian

The name in itself sounds like it should be an oxymoron.

Winter months are hard on me. They aren't just taxing physically but there is something about being cooped up in the four walls of your house with silence swirling around and no sounds outdoors except for the cold wind blowing through the trees. Christmas is a time for rejoicing but somehow every Christmas passes and I find myself reflecting. Maybe it is the New Year on the horizon. Maybe its the absence of all the twinkling lights.

Today as I sat in silence and sewed what only can be described as ill put together doll clothes I found my mind dancing around to the sound of the sewing machine. The woman's mind is a funny thing I will tell you. You can start somewhere and end up where you never thought was possible.

I began to think about a book I read last year "Uninvited" By Lysa TerKeurst. I was trying to remember key points in my book but found myself coming up short.

The words kept resonating in my mind and I kept asking God "Why does life feel so lonely sometimes?"

Now let me stop you dead in your tracks and explain. I am so thankful for my children and my husband even as he works miles away half of the year. I know without a shadow of a doubt I will never be alone with Jesus but sometimes lets be honest. The Americanized standard of the church we live today can get pretty lonely. To the point sometimes I find myself oversharing with the cashier at Walmart. We live in such a state of ourselves sometimes we forget about everybody living outside of our "inner circle" or we get into such a place we make our inner circle inaccessible to people.

Then I began to tell myself maybe Jesus intended me to be lonely in this life. Maybe he intended me to be lonely so that when I felt alone only to His arms I would find myself running in seasons of loneliness. I began to research different verses on being lonely and came across just a couple I want to share with you.

In Psalm 25:16 David cried out to God "Turn to me and be gracious to me for I am lonely and afflicted."

In Luke 5:16 it records "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and pray.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

My favorite one is that last verse. Loneliness causes broken hearts. It causes you to feel less than, or different. It causes you to feel like the outcast or when you walk into a room that everyone is silently speaking things under their breath about you. I don't believe God ever intended loneliness to define who we are. I believe there are times in our lives that God may use a season of being lonely to help us discover where He wants us to go but He never wants us to be lonely especially in a room filled with other believers.

Did you know that one of the main reasons people leave churches is due to "lack of connection".'

The New Testament is packed full of scripture on "The Church" not the church building but the body of Christ. Hebrews 10:25 tells us "Do not neglect to meet together as in the habit of some, but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

A lot of people would say, "Well I see all those people from the church on Sundays and Wednesday. I might smile or say "Hi" if I run into them at Walmart. We are so far from missing the point of what the New Testament is telling us to do if this is the nature of our interactions. God intended us to work together as one body Romans 1:12 tells us that we should be "mutually encouraged by each others faith." Point blank we were intended to share life together.

As I sit and ponder the things swimming around my mind today. I am so grateful that no matter how lonely this world can get, I can turn my eyes upon the beautiful face of Jesus and know that I am loved. No matter if sometimes I can feel like the loneliest person in a crowd I am assured over and over by scripture that God will draw near to me if I do to Him. (Ja 4:8)

As I leave my jumbled thoughts in a chaotic mess of a blog, I leave you with one thought from one of my all time favorite books mentioned above.

"Proximity and activity don't always equal connectivity."

-Uninvited `alone in a crowded room pg 43

The day you left your trophy in the car...

The sunburn and sweat was still fresh on this family of 5. The weekend had been spent at ballfields through sunflower seeds and trying to pass the time waiting for the next game. I felt a twinge of guilt as a mother of 3 devoting so much to just the middle. But her passion and love for the game was almost too much to ignore. Days, weeks, months had been spent preparing for these moments as she waited quietly for her small stolen moments to shine. But lately I had been noticing change in her pale blue eyes. She was worn down, tired, her self esteem had been taking a hit. I figured this is what she needed, another victory to turn her confidence around. That is when it happened. We returned home from a very intense, enthralling weekend tournament and it happened....

..... she left her trophy in the car.... 

Your prize right? Your purpose? Your proof? 

Then as I pondered this thought so much longer I realized I had been so very wrong. The trophy sat among old napkins and sunflower seeds, between mismatched shoes and used napkins. That trophy was as important to that little girl as those items it was placed around. That trophy was not where she found her worth. It was not what she held dear. It was a piece of plastic that wouldn't change her view of herself one tiny bit. Then it hit me. 

How foolish that I would ever believe a trophy of any kind on this earth could ever bring true happiness. Even personal success in the highest form would still fall short. You can be given all this world has to offer and drink it up in one fail swoop but it will never truly satisfy. 

I sat and thought on this for quite some time. Not sure how to feel or react. We are living in such a culture driven society sometimes it is so easy to shift focus in the wrong direction.

I heard the quote earlier in the week. "If you want to change the world, go home and love your family." So often I fail there. My child who felt so defeated had more insight on direction and importance than I am afraid I did. She didn't need to explain it in theory or pick it apart until there was nothing left. She simply needed to step away and prove to me that she didn't play softball because she won a trophy. She didn't play it for perfection. She played it because she loved it. She could've lost and not brought home a trophy and I believe it wouldn't of made a lick of difference to her because that wasn't her purpose for playing. I don't think she would've ever missed it even If  i would've scooped it up and tossed it in the trash to be honest. Sometimes I think as an adult I miss that point. I hope she can teach me. To step back, see the why, fall in love, and leave the trophy in the car. After all a trophy on a shelf isn't going to matter in the grand scheme of life. I hope I remember the valuable lesson about my why in life. What is important, why do I do it. My biggest fear would be to push my child toward unrealistic perfection when she is already perfectly imperfect in the eyes of our Creator .

Finding divine direction in a woman who can't pick out what color of shoes to wear.....

I have spent most of my life riding the fence. Let me be brutally honest. I am not a great decision maker. I was that child in line who couldn't decide whether they wanted the strawberry lollipop or the grape one. I would stand there and reason with why I couldn't have both. Then I would stand there and let it fester so long I usually either made a decision and instantly regretted it or didn't get either lollipop because I waited too long. Haha. I think this is one reason I have an obsession with redoing my house. I'm being brutally honest, I probably redecorate my house at least once a year. I am constantly moving furniture, tweaking this to the right or to the left. But you know what else when I redecorate my house I usually take all the old decoration down and store it away in my attic, or give it to my mother because I KNOW if I regret this decision I can always go back and get it later. This morning I watched a sermon livestreaming and it was about divine direction. As I listened to this pastors words. I realized that I need this so much more now than I ever had in my entire life. I spend my every waking hour not being able to decide what to do or wear. Sometimes I change my clothes as many as 5x in the morning because I cant decide and even then I sometimes regret the choice I made later on in the day. (No kidding)

As this pastors voice resonated in not only my ears but also my heart I realized I carry this insane practice over into my spiritual life. I never want to make a big enough decision that I am forced to make a complete change. Like I always want to make decisions inside what I am going to call my "safe box". Because within those four walls of my "safe box" I can control majority of the aspects that scare me. I'm not really sure when this insane practice began for me or why if there is some deep psychological reasoning behind why I do this but this morning God spoke deeply to my heart and began to unfold just a little glimmer of the truth behind why I continue to live in such a chaotic state of indecision.

I always have came back to the same excuse.

"Well how am I supposed to truly KNOW what God wants me to do?"

Whether it be fear of displeasing God, or the painful fact making a decision will require me to let go of the strings I've been holding onto. My indecisiveness toward God has turned into outright sin in my life. My sin has become my inaction for whatever reasons they might be.

Sometimes life seems a lot easier when we are comfortable. I mean lets be completely honest for a hot minute. Change is scary. I mean small change is scary even like painting your living room that robin egg blue even though it looks GREAT in the pinterest pictures, but BIG change that is like really scary, like resigning from a position, relocating your family, selling your home. I find myself always sticking to making changes for God inside my "safe box".

"Sure God I''ll move, 15 minutes down the road because that is easy."
"Sure God I'll take that position because it requires no amount of fear or change in what I'm currently experiencing."
"Sure God I'll volunteer or teach at church. But my church only because its the safe, easy thing and I've been doing it so long it feels like second nature."
"Sure God"
"Sure God"
"Sure God"

But what if, just what if Gods blessings are outside of our "safe box". What is He is just waiting patiently for us to pick the lemon sucker because even though the lemon sucker seems scary and it is not at all what you had in your mind or what you are used to. The lemon sucker was the one. It was the one He waiting for you to pick.

One thing the sermon touched on toward the end was, Make a decision. Make a prayer led, whole heart, God decision and if you are wrong you get something even the great Solomon wanted. Wisdom. But when you make that decision don't keep your other choice in the attic so you can always come back to it. Jump in with your arms in the air and surrender to God. See what He has planned for you. Don't be so fearful of making a mistake that you walk down the line of comfort because you never want to take that leap of going left or right.

I know after today I will. I might still decide to redecorate my house every year, or change clothes 10+ times in the morning, I might still stand at the grocery store trying to decide between two different brands of instant mashed potatoes because I want to make sure I make the right decision. But I will remember the valuable lesson taught today. I will remember that my decision is important because I refuse to ever make a true God decision for my life I will miss out not only the blessings for my life but I will miss out all the wisdom God will provide me through each of these decisions I choose to make.

If I want to be a risk taker in any area of my life it is going to be for my Savior Jesus Christ. But truly any decision I make towards Him to the left or right is going to be the right decision in the end.


The Modest Mom.

Because today was a good day.

I never realized the difference in my days much. I mean, like the rest I have struggled and had hard days, happy days, emotionally challenging days, stressful days, humorous days. But days were just days. They ticked away just like anything else and then the next day would roll over and we would do it all over again. That was until about 7 weeks ago.

I realized something was wrong when I couldn't remember how I had got there standing in my kitchen. Over the next few weeks, I experienced symptoms I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I had handfuls of hair falling out, my vision was coming and going, the fatigue was crippling, anxiety, every bone, muscle and fiber in my body hurt. Several doctors visits later they confirmed I had thyroid disease. I had to be on thyroid medication, but also my immune system was malfunctioning so I also was dealing with a chronic EBV.  I was glad for answers but kinda standing there looking at the doctor like, "you gotta be kidding me right?" 

My New Years resolution was Joy. And I felt like Satan was sitting there laughing as to mock me and say, boy did I get you!! But instead I've taken each day at a time, I've cried. Especially on the bad days. Today I woke up as I have the last few weeks at 6am. Stumbled through the dark to take my thyroid medicine then retreated back to bed for the next 45 minutes before it is time to get ready for the day. But today I noticed something. I woke up at 6....I could tell I felt okay but I didn't get my hopes up. I've had a few days I thought were going to be good that turned to be days I ended up crying in my pillow. But as I began my daily tasks walking on eggshells waiting for it to crash down around me I realized today was going to be a GOOD day. As the night winds down I feel the fatigue beginning to creep up on me, my head has a slight twinge as I write this and I know my body has had all it can take today.... Im just so so so grateful. Because you never realize how important those good days are until you've had more bad days than you care to count... make your good days count. Hold onto them and squeeze ever ounce of joy from those good days. 

Today I finally broke out a paintbrush and went to work doing some crafting. Something that there were days in just the recent past I thought I might never see again... and I painted. Because today was a good day. 

Survival Float

I sit here this early afternoon under a warm electric blanket in silence with the exception of the radio playing softly beside me. In bed still. I ask myself. Why am I still here. It is 11 oclock. I should be up. The problem is i've been sick the last couple weeks. Not sick like give me some cough syrup and an antibiotic (oh how I wish it was that easy)... but sick as in being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. When I got this news I was relieved because I had answers but it didn't take long for the resentment, anger, confusion and jealously to set in. Not understanding why me? I have asked this question alot in my life it feels like. 

I have sat in the last week in a fog awaiting the doctor appointment to begin what I can only describe as a lifelong sentence to medication. Whether it be supplementation or prescribed. I will never get away from this. I cant run away. I cant will myself better. There is no magic pill. There is no magic surgery. This was a life sentence. It came on suddenly and scary as a matter of fact. Weakness follwed by forgetting who I was momentarily, realizing I couldnt remmeber what day it was, Waiting for the doctor has been a huge struggle. If you've ever lived in this state you would understand just how hard it makes it to just daily function and do regular things like grocery shop, clean house, remember to get your kids from school or that they are properly dressed or homework is done. Its terrible to feel as if your mind is leaving you. I type this in a fog as I want so badly to explain how living this way feels but I struggle as my fingers move to keep my brain moving at the same pace. You begin to ask yourself questions. Uncertain if you will ever be the same. You begin to fear the future, be jealous of the past and grieve the present. 

Today I woke up in the same fog I have been the last couple weeks. Today feels better than yesterday but not quite as good as the day before. I havent made it passed my bed yet. Remnants of breakfast, clumps of hair that have began falling out, strewed about the pile of colored pencils, in my jacket in bed under my blanket and still freezing cold.  All I can hold onto the fact that this morning, despite my pain, my memory, my confusion that God hasn't left me. This morning I was grasping at straws and reached for my bible and grabbed an old devotional on the bedside table from 2013 I opened it to a devotional called "The Survival Float" It brought me straight to Psalms 55. I read this and tried all I could do to not soak the pages of my bible in my tears. I am broken and confused. I'm a little angry to be honest.. not at God. Just at the kinda luck I always seem to have. Then God brought me this verse. "Cast your care on the Lord and he will sustain you"... not heal you, not rescue you, not make it all better. He will sustain you... that doesn't mean God wont heal  me. He might choose to. He might choose to make me better but right now I know He is telling me to hold onto Him tight. He is my survival float. And He is telling me. No matter what he will sustain me. And as the very last sentence of psalms closes I realized this was my answer. "But as for me, I trust in You."

Refusing to lose myself in pursuit of my children.

What a ridiculous title I bet was the first thing that ran across your mind. Strangely enough it has been weighing on my mind heavily the last few months. Now let me get one thing straight. I love my children fiercely with a love that knows no limits but I also love them so much I've decided that because I love them that much I refuse for my life to revolve around them. Yes really. We spend our days and nights once we become parents focusing on our children's successes. Their achievements. From the time they begin to walk until they walk across that graduation stage and then more.

I've spent the last few years of my life letting my 8 year old daughter pour herself into organized sports. From tumbling to tball, softball to basketball and then all over again. Now don't get me wrong I believe these outlets are unbelievable teachers of life for children so I'm strictly using this as an example but what happens when I as a parent began to eat, drink, live and breathe these sports becoming so consumed in her love of an activity that I forget my first true love. God. It's a hard pill to swallow when I woke up and realized one day this has become me. My busyness and life had become so lost in one thing I wasn't sure quite when it happened that I began to lose little pieces of myself. I rarely took time to experience life anymore. I forgot what It felt like to feel accomplished  working under the buzz of a sewing machine or what it smelled like spending an entire day baking interesting new creations, or what it sounded like to hear my children's laughter during a popcorn and sugar filled family movie night. I had been living life but not truly experiencing it. I realized this had created the so called domino effect. I had become not such a great friend wife or mother for that fact.

How so? I bet your asking. You are giving your child everything she wants and pushing her towards greatness right? Well maybe....but maybe not. I read something today that said recognize the difference in happiness and joy. I don't think joy is something we can chase, no matter how much we strive to get more of this world joy doesn't come then. I think joy comes when we stop chasing the fulfillment of this world. We can enjoy this world but we can't find our joy there. No matter how hard we search we will always come up empty and unfulfilled. I want to teach my children more than chasing happiness of this life. I want them to learn that you can not chase joy down. Whether we think we will find that in a new career, home, money or our children. Instead we must first seek his kingdom and let everything else just take its course. That we don't become consumed In our own lives we forget the whole purpose of our life.

You see many people would tell me that I'm doing it right. That my heart is right by wanting to give my children things maybe I believed I never had and I'm okay with doing that to a point. But when I look at the adults my kids will become in just a few short years away I hope I can say I directed their paths toward Jesus first always because I don't want to be sitting in a pew years down the road wondering what in the world I did so wrong. That I didn't lose myself in them so much during the years of their youth that I missed the whole point in directing them to Him.

Living this life.

I share alot of my frustration and pain. At first I thought it would be good to spread awareness but as life chugs along I've decided not only does it share awareness it is my own special kind of therapy. Writing has always done that for me. So I decided to give those who follow our story a little window into our world. What a day living as a parent of a child with ANSD is like. So get ready for a Rollercoaster as most days are.

We have a pretty routine life. I developed a routine years ago because I knew it was better for children. I knew it would be key to keeping my sanity as the most important job I'll ever do. A stay at home mom. Today we woke up bright and early. It was our first day of headstart and everyone was busting at the seams with excitement. I woke little Quinn up with a kiss and a tickle. She happened to sleep all night in her bed which happens rarely. Most nights she ends up in my bed mid-night. She's never been a good sleeper. We get up and she is obviously tired and not too happy about it. I leave ample time because rushing with her stresses her out and she has a tantrum so we go slow. The first thing I ask her is if she is hungry. She shakes her head yes. The next few minutes I know will ensue of me deciphering what she wants to eat to avoid a meltdown on this first important day. She says she wants "si-ul" I know her well enough to know she is asking for cereal.

Then she says "ma I unt si-ul in a tu if oh ilk"

no lie exactly as that is typed is what I hear. After a few seconds I ask her to repeat. I know I have to get it this time or she is going to flip out and lose it. Finally I discover 10 seconds of silence after her repeat what she wants. She wanted cereal In a cup with no milk. Phew catastrophe averted. I have had people laugh at me when I tell them I'm scared to not understand her. Most of the time I can get her to repeat herself more than once but sometimes once is it and you can see the frustration behind her eyes. Imagine speaking a different language than your child.

I know there is a beautiful and complex little girl behind those big brown eyes just wanting someone to understand her. To laugh at her jokes and to share her frustrations and fears.

How do you explain to a 4 year old the complexity of delayed speech and the fact I want to understand her but can't. She was frustrated today because a little girl at school called her a baby. I told her not to worry.

She said "moma me ad. Me ot una o to tool. A dirl at tool call me bitty baby" (momma me sad. Me not wanna go to school. A girl at school called me a bitty baby" I said what girl was it. Did you know her. She said "no a bue dre" (a Blue dress) I'm sure the girl called her that because she's unusually petite which is something I'm sure she'll be glad about later in life but trying to explain it now is near impossible.

Most days I spend listening intently and guessing, like a Neverending game of charades that losing could mean an hour of screaming, frustration and anger. I've seen toddler outbursts and these are different these are outbursts of a child not knowing why someone is ignoring them, even though that's not the case it's how it feels for her.

Remember when your baby was a newborn and either had colic and you felt helpless and defeated or maybe your friends baby had and you realized how hard it was. Having ANSD is like having a colicky preschooler. When a bad day happens and frustration comes intertwined with hearing loss. Nothing I say or do matters.

The thing with ANSD is some days I understand most everything out of her mouth and other days I understand nothing and I fight to get through and guess what she's saying. All anyone wants to be in life is heard. We spend most our lives looking for someone willing to listen to us. More than anything I want to be that for her now. One day I will be. That is my goal. I refuse to let her go through life without being heard. It doesn't matter what road we have to take. no matter how hard it is and how many days I feel like I failed. I want her to look back at childhood and remember, no matter how hard it got. No matter how frustrated her and I were that her and, I we never gave up on each other.

Forgetting what "normal" is like

Forgetting what "normal" is like.

As I lay here wide awake in the evening hours my mind racing with a million facts, questions and musings. I realize I've forgotten what normal is like. Now let me be first to tell you I'm not necessarily a fan of normal but other people are. To be honest sometimes normal takes much less effort than different also. I'm not talking about fitting in with the crowd and having the most popular in style shirt or looking normal like the rest of population. I've simply forgot what being normal is.

10 years ago I became a mother to my firstborn. Life was a breeze with him. So much so that a few years later we tried again for another baby. Then came our now 7 year old curly headed quiet and funny daughter. Then after believing we would never have another child God gave us my last born. A 3 year old blessing with the biggest eyes and even a bigger love to melt your heart. But you see when he blessed us with her we didn't realize it would change our normal. She was born partially deaf with auditory neuropathy even though we didn't discover it until she was 3. I can remember thinking maybe she was just a "difficult" toddler. I mean everyone has those right? I can still remember being at a department store when she had her first blood curdling episode. The lady working behind the counter looked over her glasses and point blank said, "you know a doctor can give you medication to fix that." I left without even getting what I came for and strapped her into her car seat and cried. I didn't understand that my idea of normal was already changing.

At 3 years old after multiple doctors visits and unintelligible speech issues we had a diagnosis. I don't know when you get that ldiagnosis whether it is supposed to feel better or worse. I think a little of both. She had auditory neuropathy in her right ear which in short connected to the left side of her brain which was responsible for speech. Not "normal" hearing loss. They described it like hearing through a loud static radio. Never silence... always noise. And since it was like that it meant fixing it wouldn't be easy either. Matter of fact there was no magic device that would fix it. No surgery, no medication. Only therapy, time, and learning to be a new normal.

We are down to double digit countdown for a trial run of our first round of devices after a year of waiting.

I some days feel like a complete failure as a mother. How do you mother a child who can understand at the capacity of a 5 year old (she's been tested so we know) but can communicate only as a not even 2 year old.

People stare.. people hush, whispers... She's louder than she means because it's never silent in her head, in loud places she places her hands over her ears and yells "too loud, owie", her temper is some days uncontrollable,.. which we've been told is also an outlet because she's so frustrated.... I some days just cry with her because I can't understand what she's saying.. some days I feel like I've failed my other children because I ask them to help me, whether it's calm her or help decipher what she's saying.. she doesn't sleep well.. because her noise never stops. People suggest..  if you'd just spank her it would stop that behavior.... I've wanted to scream in their faces.. don't you think I've tried a spanking???!?! My heart some days handles not being normal less than others. Like when her brother asks.. "mom will Quinn ever be able to talk normal?" I have no answer for that because I don't know.

Sometimes until you live the life of not being "normal" it's hard to be sympathetic... but let me end with something.. the next time you hear a kid being overly inappropriately loud, or throwing a tantrum in public don't look at that mother with judging eyes. She feels horrible enough without you staring daggers at her or posting on Facebook how your "so glad your children are well behaved" you have no idea what not being "normal" is like. How many nights and days she's cried because trust me she wants life to be easier but it just isn't. But you know what. She's doing the best she can with what she has and unless your willing to walk a mile in her shoes try a friendly smile, don't judge her when your standing there with your healthy normal children and she can't get her child to speak softer or she can't get her off the floor a moment to understand why she's throwing a fit.

Trust me it would be easier for us to be normal like you, but God had different plans for us.


Amanda

Saying Goodbye.

Dear 321 Ted Allen Lane,
Where do I begin? Probably with a little curly headed boy and a blonde headed girl with bouncy curls just turning one. Back before you were complete. We got blisters on our hands from painting you from top to bottom and putting every bit of our heart and soul into you. From a simple place.....to a place we called home. You saw Caed learn how to ride his bike for the very first time without training wheels. You heard the laughter of Emy as she learned to not only walk but run jump then climb, you also heard her tears as she learned to sleep in her big girl bed without mommy and daddy and boy did she not want to. You were there when I cried tears of sadness when my boy started school and tears of joy when he learned to read. Then when life became unsure. Our marriage was rocky and it seemed everything we did just made it worse. These walls saw our pain and were lined with our tears. You saw when hope dawned again and when things got whole again. When smiling and happiness was no longer absent. When love and laughter had meaning once more.

You saw when Emy began to grow. When she was so giving she cut 10 inches of beautiful golden locks to give away to Locks of love. Then you were here again when there was news of another baby. After 6 tests I finally had their daddy convinced. Yes, you were here then too. It was here on the stump in the back yard when I first felt the tiny kick of baby Quinn. We laid in the bed in the backroom together and listened intently to her little heartbeat on the prenatal monitor for hours...it never got old.

Then she came. Early. It was this home, your comfort I longed to feel after a long NICU stay. Then when she finally got to come home and we were finally complete. It was here in which I had all my love together in one spot again. It was here my big boy Caed lost his first tooth and Emy the same a few years later. It was here Emy left little drawings of people on the doorframe as if greeting me hello. Here that Quinn learned to scoot, roll over, crawl and walk. You saw when Emy was diagnosed with Lyme disease only for Quinn to be diagnosed as partially deaf not a year later. You've heard my prayers for them.. prayers for healing and grace.

Here we have kissed countless scraped knees and elbows. We've laughed more in this house than we have cried. We've built tent forts in the living  room and played countless hours of hide and seek. We've cuddled together on stormy nights and talked about the stars. It was here that Saturday mornings we were greeted by 3 little kids so full of life and love bouncing on our bed while we still slept which eventually turned into an epic ticklefight. We've spent evenings outside swimming and laughing and building fires. So many memories and so much love.  It was here by his bedside we kneeled and prayed together as my little boy accepted Jesus as his Savior. It was here my boy became too big to cuddle with mommy anymore, here he made his first real friends and here he no longer asked to have a nightlight on.

There have been so many firsts just in the last few weeks... Emy riding her bike for the first time in the same spot Caed did just years before. Quinn getting her first big girl bike to where I dreamed of her learning to ride her bike in the same spot the other two did before her. I am not sure how to leave you. To leave this place that holds so much of what I've loved. These memories that have given me such joy. I know in my heart you are just a house, just boards and beams placed together..but you were our house. You shared with us so many important times in our life. It was in this house our family grew. It blossomed and happiness echoed throughout. It was loud and crowded alot of the time but part of that was what made it so special. I'm not sure how to say goodbye. I'm not confident that I can totally. Your goodbye will be a process, one that I will have to grieve over time.

But thank you for the gift of the memories I hold. I can place them in my mind, somewhere inside that reminds me all of this happiness that took place In a little house nestled in a small town tucked behind the trees.

People after us will come and repaint the walls, the fingerprints will have been scrubbed away along with little traces of what was before. But my memories of this place will remain the same locked tight and safe in a portion of my heart that I will forever and always treasure.


Thank you.

Why I hate Pinterest, facebook and pretty much anything Internet related...

Of course I don't really hate them, but I am inclined to hate any and everything that is media related,... why? Well I guess a better way to phrase it is I have learned to hate technology that pretty much is telling me I'm doing everything wrong and frankly quite an inadequate individual..

Lets start with Pinterest, I can find myself spending countless hours browsing recipes I'll undoubtely never make, gorgeously organized polished homes I'll never own and crafty amazing creations I'll probably buy the materials for but never create... 

Facebook,.. oh beautiful facebook.. I will spend hours surfing and reading, looking at profiles of pictures of cute mom's with their new hair and date nights and those moms bagless eyes and perfectly manicured children while mine are sporting 8-hour old spagetti crust face and I honestly found a piece of a sucker in my 6 year olds pig tail and guess what I didn't take my pajamas off today much less paint on an entire face of makeup and beautiful mascara that makes your lashes look about 6 feet long. 

While I'm on hating the internet world let me hate google, it will undoubtly pull up the fact there is not only a deadly flu outbreak but I'm sure within the next 72 hours it will convince me I have a rare cyst in my stomach lining that causes me nausea when there is a full moon. Guess what, it's deadly.

I miss the day of mail order catalogs and the fact that I didn't have to see that perfectly manicured mom's superhuman abilities so up close. Instead here I am with dark circles, frizzy unbrused hair, guess what I did take off my pajamas only to put on a clean pair for the next night. I envy the mother who has their children in bed at 8:30 sharp, has dusted ceiling fans, no dirty laundry and still has time to do her makeup. 

How does she manage such superhuman abilities,.... I managed to only have to throw away one sippy cup of curdled milk today, I got one room vaccumed and I actually do manage to have a clean pair of pajamas to put on, but it's almost 9 and my kids havent even considered the word bed,... 😴😴 and I'm too tired to even think.

So to the moms who have ever sprayed febreeze on a dirty jacket, didn't answer the door because you were afraid it was TLC ready to film a new season of Hoarders or put on a hat because you lost your hairbrush a minimum of 3 days ago, raise your glass because your not alone!!

Guess I'll Google one more time how to organize life... couldn't hurt right?

The Modest Mom

The day I considered forgoing Black Friday..

I'm not quite sure what took grip of me the day this thought fluttered through my mind. Maybe it was too much joy flowing through my veins, or the song that played on the radio. It came abruptly and stayed a while. 

It should go down as a day in history; The day I decided I may not shop on Black Friday. There wasn't a reason for it which startled me. I mean where else can you get towels for $1.98.....  Now I've always been a bit of a bargain hunter from coupons to refusing to buy something I think will be on sale In a few weeks. Maybe it was flashbacks from previous years of 40 year old women swan diving and elbowing into the comforters and sheets marked 30% off. Maybe it was the dollar signs.. Maybe It was the lack of sleep and shopping so much that you forget what you bought and everything starts to look the same. That is after all what this day is about right. Or maybe it was just simply because I've seen everything it has to offer... I mean year after year....$4 flannel pajamas that get fuzz the first time you wash them, $2.00 towels, oodles of electronics to keep up with the fads.. $3 movies that are usually a whopping $5. It's always the same stuff... Grabbing meaningless gifts for a deal.. 

This year something in me wanted gifts to have purpose. Meaning, something someone loves or uses. It all started with blankets...

Yep blankets. I made each child a blanket this year. It was a fleece one I sewed the edges together so precisely. I seam ripped at mistakes. I sang Christmas tunes while I sewed. I got excited over giving the blankets to them. They weren't something I elbowed my way to, they weren't plastic and commercial. They weren't lined with the defeat of others as I got there first. As corny as it sounds they were stitched with love as I pondered the holidays.. How my children would slobber and sleep warmly wrapped in their blankets that I personally put together. As much as I would love to make every gift this season homemade I have already purchased my little ones their commercial items their electronics and toys themed of their favorite characters. 

I always go to Black Friday. I always go to add more meaningless items on their piles of stuff I started out listing as their main presents. I always think I need new towels or extra items... But you know what I don't think I need that this year... I think the Grinch has taught me a valuable lesson this year. Enjoy family, make something with your children, sit down and handwrite Christmas cards. Ponder the fact that less is truly more. Enjoy that. Enjoy your day of thankfulness. I'm not saying don't go to Black Friday this is just where my heart is this year. And at this moment... My husband can tell you that changes like the weather in Oklahoma. Just remember life. Remember truly the meaning behind the season. Remember whatever your gift whether it be stitched together from a folding table in your dining room or snatched and thrown in a basket in a rush of adrenaline,.....giving is not about the gift but rather what the gift represents. 

                                      

Sincerely, 

The modest mom 

Looking for the light.

Sometimes I feel like darkness is necessary. In order to appreciate the light. Other times I feel that darkness is a punishment. A misunderstanding. Or a judgement. No one wants to be around the hurting. We want to say we are. Or falsely embrace their pain,  so as long as it doesn't affect us. Where do I get these ludicrous a accusations you ask.. well from my very own soul in pain. They say misery loves company but I beg to differ... misery is isolation. Misery pushes people away. People want to love happy people. I've never understood that until I became the suffering. We want to sit in our happy circles and pat ourselves on the back at how happy and hopeful we are. And that's the easiest job ever when that's you. For that has been me. What a great job being positive we are doing. When in fact others around us are in pain. The merciful are deemed either weak, fake or giving company to someone else's misery. I don't understand this way of living. It's such a false sense of happiness. I want to feel. Even if it is pain. At least I am feeling. I want to love so deeply if the one I love is in pain I feel it in the depth of my soul. We get so caught up in our own lives we forget. We don't reach out. We become stagnant pools teeming with bacteria in our own self good. Living in such a world is almost painful. When your hurting it's pure torture to live in such a world of little compassion until it's too late. False inspiration. False hope. It becomes all too familiar. Choosing happiness is easy when life is good. Choose happiness is hard when life isn't easy. But even if you choose happiness that may not change the pain inside. I can choose to smile when the pain cuts like a knife or I can choose to laugh through tears. Choosing happiness doesn't mean the pain goes away. It means you learn to smile through the pain. We must remember that when you see someone in pain. It's not about choice as much as it is about compassion. Choosing happiness can be done even when the darkness is choking you out. But that doesn't mean your room will fill up with light. Sometimes being happy in the dark just looks a little differently than in the light. Think of a dark room with a cracked curtain. You can spend your time trying to focus on things that you can't make out due to the lack of light or you can appreciate at least whIle in the dark you can cry without notice. You can hide or even spend your time closing your eyes trying to understand where the light went. Even if I got up and flung open the curtains it would be extremely painful. Seeing the light is a gradual process. Learning to adjust. That's where I'm content at. And I guess if people are unwilling to be in the dark with me. They can peek through the crack in my curtain and make speculations all they want. But until you've been inside the room you don't know what it's like in the darkness.

Some kind of reality.

Laying beside a squirming 6 year old giddy with excitement about our day of school shopping tomorrow makes my heart overflow with joy... on the inside I revel at life and can't wait for this beautiful adventure to add to my memories. But on the outside my body aches.. my stomach queasy my mind over shaken with vertigo and eyes droop with fatigue enough to take down a linebacker.. it's times like this I want to shake my fist at the sky and ask. "Why me Lord?" Almost as soon as I ask that question I almost instantly regret it.... I feel guilty through my pain. What a complete utter oxymoron. Sometimes I just don't understand... yes I know im supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to throw words of inspiration and strength admist my tears... but I am not going to lie. Sometimes I hate that I'm that small percentage of Lyme disease in Oklahoma. I am disgusted that I have to pop pills on a regular basis to even resemble a normal function of life.. I'm sad that I can't even be excited about a fun day awaiting because lyme has decided to ravage my body.. it seems unfair. I am a 28 year old woman and feel like I'm in my early 70s on the days Lyme decides to have a little fun...  So on days like today I search for my strength.. in music.. in quotes.. in the words of my friends or even the squirming of a young girl looking forward to a day with mom... I choose to focus on that and push through the aching joints, headaches and fatigue. Smile even when it hurts and remember that my disease only defines my life if I allow it to... not today lyme disease, not today...


Until next time,
The modest mom
Amanda

Learning how to feel.

I have spent the most part of my last few days staring at a blank page. Waiting for words to come to me. Waiting for positive and inspiring tidbits of information to leave my mouth and sprawl between the lines. But each time I sit here and stare at the paper I realize that there is a good possibility those words aren't going to come. At least not today, tomorrow or next week. So instead of being able to turn this into another one of my awe word Inspiring blogs I decided this blog isn't going to be like that.. Instead this blog is going to be a piece of the opposite. It's going to be open and incomplete. It may have moments of misunderstanding or self pity. So if you aren't prepared to get a piece of a broken soul today and you are looking for a piece of Inspiration I'm warning you to turn back now. You are in the wrong place. 

Seven months ago we got our daughters Lyme disease diagnosis. A five year old with an untreatable chronic disease. Symtoms that are debilitating while active. A disease that is unexpected and overlooked. A rare disease spread by the grubby fangs of a tick nestled into a beautiful  countryside just waiting for their next prey. In that moment you search for answers and I asked myself a million times where we got this from. Where it came from, how? Many doctor consults later while visiting with some of the top lyme specialist in the country it was brought to my attention my complicated medical past and history. They suggested I get tested for lyme. I blew it off assuming and it not ever crossing my mind. For many reasons. Did this mean I had lyme and could've given it to her in utero? Were they insinuating all my complications could be related to her illness?

 For months I didn't even entertain the fact. Emy was being treated. She was well and improving. I had my local doctor run a screening for lyme. 

Let me break this down. Running a screening for lyme isn't an actual antibody test. Running a lyme screening vs an actual antibody test is like running a  lawn mower over some high grass trying to find the wedding ring you dropped somewhere in the one acre of grass the day before. In my case possibly 12 years before. 

Lyme is elusive like that. So I ran it against really wanting to and it came back I had antibodies of lyme but not enough to set off a CDC positive. Which means my immune system HAD been exposed to lyme but probably had taken care of it right? That's what I thought. 

Unfortunately lyme doesn't work that way. Lyme is like a corn maze. A horrible corn maze with things hiding at every turn and there is that possibility you get out of it and in fresh air quickly or there is that possibility you might never. I have not the time or energy to describe lyme how it's diagnosed and tested so here is one of the top lyme specialist in the country website where he has more than thoroughly explained it. If you have any inquisition I suggest you read his studies and research. 

http://drcharlescrist.net/Borreliosis/Testing-for-Borreliosis/

So with a swift kick in the gut Friday after seeing a lyme specialist, I should be used to the these by now. I faced the hard reality I had chronic Lyme disease. I have had it for a possibility of up to 12 years. Which caused the loss of our first daughter stillborn, more miscarriages, heart, blood and gastroenterolical issues, joint and jaw problems, migraines, and more health problem than any 29 year old should have to face.

Oh answers. I hoped I would be relieved by these answers but it seemed with them just came more confusion and pain. Now we start the journey that our other children also have the possibility of carrying dormant lyme. Which will require testing and possibility preventive treatment. Lifetimes of changes, all revealed within seven short months. 

Life isn't given. I've seen that before but I see it more clearly now. Good days aren't promised and most assuredly not guaranteed. Frankly sometimes the life you get handed flat out sucks. I'm not saying it won't get better, or that it will always suck. 

I always had the postive side when it was just me being able to take care of Emy. Nurse her back to health. Be her positive ray of sunshine but today as we went for her routine labs to check on her disease I realized I had it backwards. She was my postive side. She was my hope and she is why I know I can do this with her help. Don't take life for granted. Don't take your health, hope or happiness for granted. Be happy for every moment of health you have because it can be stolen from you without a warning. It can be taken without explanation. Without warning. And it can leave you in a fog of confusion, pain, and hardships you never thought you would face. 

Lyme attacks families. Lyme attacks hope. Lyme attacks and when it does it does without warning. 

I'm not full of inspiration today. Instead I'm full of truth. 

Sometimes it's okay for people to see your pain. Sometimes it's okay for people to understand your disappointment.

Sometimes it says more to someone instead of offering words of encouragement to realize sometimes all people need are prescense. Not a false sense of everything will be okay. But rather a friend for the journey. 

Until next time. 

Amanda 

The modest mom 

     My little lymie getting her bw today!

I need a bigger house.

As soon as those words escaped my lips, I felt automatic shame. Why do I need a bigger house? To store more of my unnecessary stuff of course... Then it dawned on me. Why do we hold onto stuff?

Some reasons I have held onto items in my life:

For the assumption I will surely need this one day? Possibly yes, but unless someday is in the next 6 months to a year do you really still need it? We hold onto things we think may save us a buck or two down the road, or maybe that extra coffee pot that sits under the counter just in case you get a whim to make coffee for a houseful of guests you've not had in over 3 years. I don't need that, and I'm sure if I donate the item I'll have immediate remorse and crave a huge ol pot of coffee right? Why do we do this as humans... We have had the coffee pot for years and only used it a handful of times but know if we rid ourselves of it we will need it. 

Another big reason I've held onto something, to please my family. Now hear me out before offense sets in. Oh that teddy bear was given to you by your great aunt Bertha, given it's 6 feet tall and 4 feet wide we absolutely can't get rid of that it will hurt her feelings!! Why is it when someone bestows a gift to you, it's not okay to bestow that same gift to someone else? Maybe the teddy bear has given our family so much joy and we no longer have the space and there is not as much love going around toward the bear that there once was.. Is it not okay to share that love? To give that excitement to someone less fortunate? It amazes me how we think that teddy bear should never leave the home, should always be the centerpiece and never replaced. The truth of the matter is that things are replaced, children outgrow wonders of things they once loved and move on to different awe Inspiring things. The truth of the matter isn't the item, it is the memory. And the belief that somehow that bear will bring us back in a place in time that we once were. You may call me calloused and non sentimental but hear me out, I have very few things from my childhood. I have enough things to fill up one small grey tote, those things include picture albums, a couple stuffed toys, some cheerleading Pom poms, a porcelain doll, and a few trophies. Although I enjoy looking and reminiscing about these items I feel no loss in items I remember but so graciously have passed on to others. Such as I had a 3ft tall life size Barbie doll! That doll was my best friend years! We danced, we played, I ultimately cut all her hair off! Ha! She brought me so much joy! Am I sad that my mother didn't save her until she was dry rotted to pass down to my girls?? Heavens no!! Do I remember her? Yes! Let's move on. 

My point is simply this. Things are things! Items are to be loved but not to become our true love! Today as I ached for a larger house to store more of my stuff I thought to myself... Really Amanda? What are a couple items you can think of that your children TRULY cherish right now. The list is as so...

Caedence- first would be his stuffed pup cliffy. He has had that since he was 3. Secondly his "thing right now" is his Pokemon cards. 

Emery- first would be her "angry bird" collection set. Second might be her dress up bag. 

Quinn- First would be her baby doll, any of them for that matter. Second would be her play kitchen and doll stroller.  

As you can see this list is minimal. I can promise you their rooms contain a lot more than this list... Let's take it up a notch 

How many things off the top of my head appliance like do I own but haven't used in the last 6 months... 

😳 I'm honestly embarrassed to say.... So I'll leave you wondering..

My point is we have to get to a point(and by we I mean ME,) that we allow ourselves to enjoy our items without thinking we need our items.. I clean out quite a bit. But after today I've realized I always surface clean.. I'm really afraid to get rid of something to offend or hurt someone ... Or because I THINK I need it. Everything I need is in my Lord and my family.. I don't need a big house filled with things. I need to remember that simplicity is okay. And I'm sure The Lord would want me to remember giving things, even if they were a gift or once brought us joy, should be bestowed to others and not hoarded in a closet with some hope they will bring me happiness later on in life. 

Sometimes I think I have to verbalize these things to myself just as an affirmation I remember them. 

Hopefully this revelation will begin me on a journey of giving more, storing less and enjoying my small space of love and home that was blessed to us! 

Until next time. 

Amanda 

The modest mom 

Lyme Will not define us.

Before Lyme hijacked our lives................

A daily routine includes, getting up preparing my 5 year old a 100% gluten free lunch, getting all the kids up and ready for the day, then preparing a gluten free snack, gluten free breakfast and then  1/4 teaspoon of this medicine, a 1/2 a pill of that one, another teaspoon of this one, and 2 ml of that one,.. followed by water, dishes, book bags and they are out the door until 3 o'clock when we start the medicine again. Strict diet, lots of googling and cooking and dishes, It doesn't end until our heads hit the pillow, then 7 hours later we start over. We do mental checks of calendars, appointments and bloodwork, new prescriptions and changing prescriptions.. Matter of fact the pharmacist knows me on a first name basis by now. It's hard work. Lyme disease isn't an easy fix. But I remember back.. It wasn't always like this.

December 2013 changed everything. We were chugging through life. Three beautiful, healthy kids. My husband settling into a new career, me working full time as a stay at home mom. Monotonous of daily life happily filling our tanks. One morning my five year old Emy woke up with a fever. I gave her some meds, a wash rag on her head and turned on cartoons. You know, the normal remedy for a "sick day" but by noon when I realized the medicine wasn't working and she was regressing and quickly. Her fever shot up to 105, she was limp, lifeless and I just had a feeling in the pit of my stomach.. Something was seriously wrong. 

I don't like to elaborate on the details of the first doctors visit and the many after that didn't give us answers. We spent close to 40 agonizing days of no answers, she began getting migraines, nose bleeds,.. She had changed. She wasn't the same little girl. She was angry, aggressive. I'd never seen this in her. And it was frightening for me. There was blood work, enough to where at 5 she was hardly flinching at getting it drawn.. A hosptial stay, IVs, medication "guessing" diagnoses at what could be wrong... finally we drove 8 hours and 20 minutes to see a doctor who laid it all on the table with confidence. Lyme disease. Definite. With 2 co-infections. Which meant in short. She was very sick. She had failed numerous neurological exams. The infection had spread. It was severe. It was chronic...., Chronic,....that 7 letter word hits you in an unexpected way as a parent... It was painful, confusing and hard to hear. It was also relieving. We had answers. We had a plan. We had hope. 

Here are some pictures of the early days of her illness. 

I hardly ever got to see her beautiful smiles anymore.. Sunshine made her life miserable she was so photophobic. 

Her illness stumped even the best children's hosptial. Her blood work wasn't normal. She had elevated liver enzymes, they couldn't pinpoint it. 

Her "friends" did make the hosptial stay a little better .... 

The "thumbs up" it became her trademark of getting better. We said from day one we would fight this and we would win. 

Her specialist had a great a plan. It was a long term medication treatment. To treat all three infections. To push them Into remission. This wasn't a cure to eradicate the disease because there wasn't one. It was hope to live a halfway normal life without so much pain, with only fear of flare ups and not a constant fight on a daily basis against the disease and all the damage it does. 

He said she needed to be 100% gluten free. Which would help her fight. That wasn't too hard to embrace since I needed to be gluten free (even though I wasn't living it) due to autoimmune disorders.. It's different though being told that for your child than as an adult. It meant no indulging at class parties, no sack lunches with your friends. It means being very careful, having to ask before you chomp down on a cookie at Halloween, or have that slice of cake at a friends birthday party. You can only have those special treats prepared especially for you... You no longer can be part of the "crowd" 

It's been around 2 months since her diagnosis and she began treatment. I'm amazed by how much she has improved. How much of that little girl is returning to me.  It's not gone. I still see lingering lyme in her lazy eye. Or in her headaches that only come once every couple weeks now. I still see lyme here and there when her body overreacts to something it doesn't like and she suffers. But I see smiles now. I hear laughter. I see her spinning around like a ballerina in the bright sunshine without crying the light is too bright. The anger has diminished, and now is closer to that normal in a frustrated five year old. We haven't won, but we are fighting. And we are winning. I see it in every milestone we reach. 

Until next time,

The Modest Mom

All rights to photopgrahy below are given and recognized to

www.carriepalmerphotography.com 

Who helped us capture this beautiful picture of fighting Lyme disease!! 

Maybe Gandhi had a point,..

Soak it in,... This quote by Gandhi I ran across this morning. It astounded me and made me really think a moment. Then it hit me. This is how outsiders, people not "raised" "born" and "bred" in church see the Americanized form of Christianity so prevalent in America today. Can we blame them? 

We preach Jesus but scoff at sinners and hate gays. We preach love and forgiveness but cheer when people hate and are the first to throw the stones when we think we see an offense in someone,... We preach we want to save the lost but we stick to our clicks, we don't want to reach out, that seems like too much work!" We say Jesus said feed the hungry but we gorge ourselves with the good stuff and give scraps to our neighbor who is hungry. Maybe Gandhi had a point, how alike of Christ are we. We are to be like" mini"Christ" but I think we are more conformed like "mini-Pharisees" look at some of the comparisons,.. 

Jesus walked with sinners, he was dirty I'm sure, he probably didn't smell the best, he touched lepers, he ate with sinners and tax collectors. He associated with the people no one wanted to be seen with because he wanted to share the love of heaven. 

Now lets look at the American church. We report Sunday and wear our very best, no jeans in church, wear a dress, make sure you look, smell and act your best.  Our churches aren't filled with people who look different than us, they aren't filled with lepers, they are filled with plastic American Christians trying to look their best,.. For who? God? Im pretty sure God can see how dirty you are on the inside he doesn't care if you shined your shoes or wore your best dress. 

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh. But you know what. I've felt those stares. Of not being the best dressed or most appropriate. I wasn't raised in church! I barely owned a dress. I'm the girl in skinny jeans and a tshirt, my husband is the guy who has tattoos down his arms in jeans and a tshirt and we aren't perfect. We were once lepers who Jesus cleansed and so we want to go to church to raise our hands and WORSHIP and THANK him! Not to look good. We don't try and look different it's just who we are. We want to come to Him just as we are BECAUSE he's  cleaned up our insides.

 I guess if he decides to one day we might become penny loafer wearing people  :) but for now he loves me like I am :) I think when Jesus healed people we see it as he fixed their outside but I think he was more concerned about their insides.... We just fail to see that. Leprosy rotted people from the inside out. Not the other way around. Remember that.  

Strawberry infused water, oh my!

Well over the last few months due to some health reasons I've been trying to give up my horrible diet coke addiction! Don't get me started on how horrible the stuff is for you,.. However I still managed to slurp a good 2-4 diet sodas a day down shamelessly! I finally decided it had to stop! So even though I had been substituting my caffeine need with tea or coffee, I needed a filler drink! Something that would help me get my water intake without feeling like I was drinking water,... (I don't care for water) :/ I know I know horrible huh?!! 

Well I grabbed my kids koolaid pitcher, a handful of fresh strawberries and my truvia sugar**! I sliced the strawberries in fours, cut off the tops to trash and threw them in the pitcher then I added 1 quart of water with ice. After that, I poured my drink (making sure to get fruit in my glass) and used one truvia packet! It was delish!!! Just to note my second glass I cut it down to half a pack of truvia and it was just as good!

**(For those of you that don't know truvia is a zero calorie sweetener derived from the stevia plant! It's the best for you artificial sweeter there is! I like the green/white box one!) 

The end result! Zero calories! Vitamins infused right into my water without the preservatives and a healthy tasty drink you can have every day! 

Homemade vitamin water? Yes please! 

Until next time! 

The modest mom 

Amanda 

Mason Jar Sippies

It all started with this,.....

Sometimes I found myself scared to open these chamber walls for fear of what would topple on me. I spent days pinning organization and DIY. When one day I'd finally had it. I don't know if it was the semi-concussions from the cups that had fallen on me the many times before, or if it was my newfound love for DIY, but one day I opened my cabinets and started chunking cups like they were bad omens or something. I remembered a very cute DIY I'd seen before turning mason jars into cups with lids. Everyone with kids aged 9, 5 and. 2 knows the words "lids" is a very important word in our everyday language!!! With a quick google, I found what I needed. I bought two boxes of mason jars, 20 rubber grommets, a package of straws and some colorful duct tape and got to work. 

I borrowed my husbands drill,... I've been begging for one of my own for weeks now, "no honey I don't want that new coach purse I'd like a drill and sander please," ;) here is a quick picture tutorial how I turned my cabinets from scary to simple! 

 

Step 1: gather the necessary supplies 

It took couple trial and errors so I will tell you what did and didn't work for me. At first I tried taking the lids off and drilling them on the cardboard. The hole was jagged and not circular. I also tried drilling them silver side up, which left jagged pieces in the inside of the cup which I didn't like either. Finally I discovered the best way was,...

Step 2: Leaving them in the box, turning the lid upside down and re-screwing the cap on. 

Step 3: Drilling then with them in the box (hold with one hand I just am not pictured here doing that because I had to snap a picture ;) ) drill completely through making a nice round circle.

Step 4: Some jagged edges may be left around the top just hammer them down and they will flake off.

 Step 5: Squeeze the rubber grommet down and wiggle it into the hole. 

Step 6: Pinch and insert straws.

I will note that finding small rubber grommets are HARD! After numerous calls and searching I located them at Lowes in the hardware drawers! They sold them in packs of two for $1.09 a piece!! 

Step 6: (optional) I also decided I wanted to spice my cups up a bit! So I bought some of this pretty turquoise waterproof duct tape from target! After embellishing make sure you hand-wash them really well since there will be small metal shards from the drilling. 

This was a very fun, easy and cheap DIY! It wouldn't take but a couple hours to transform the inside of your kitchen cabinets from scary to simple!! Now every time I get a drink I can enjoy them in my mason jars like I used to when I was a kid!

Switching gears...

One of the hardest things I've discovered about our transitioning me back to stay at home is the ability to switch gears. It seems like I find myself constantly rushing. Rushing kids to eat breakfast, rushing to clean the house, rushing to school, rushing home, rushing here to this appointment or that priority. Yesterday during all the chaos The Lord brought building blocks to my mind. No I'm not crazy just hear me out. He just said "build blocks" at first I thought.. Are you kidding me? I have laundry, dishes, this and that to clean and do. But being the unhappy "obedient" daughter I was attempting to be, asked my two year old if she wanted to build blocks. She cheerfully agreed and we dug the dusty blocks out of the closet and started to build. I looked up and caught this face. 

 

This face was looking back at me across from her block tower. So proud. My heart sank as I realized I couldn't remember the last time I sat down and played blocks or anything for that matter with her. We built towers, we knocked down towers, we laughed we played. 

I realized I tend to find myself usually either wanting mom time, or doing what I always assumed was serving my family, by cleaning, cooking, tending to their daily needs when I realized I maybe had neglected the one thing I should have focused on more,.... time. Time is a tricky thing. We are convinced we have plenty of it. When I'm starting to realize this is nothing but a lie from the enemy. Don't get me wrong coffee alone is glorious, a clean tidy house is wonderful! But sometimes we need to set down our cups of coffee or bottle of pine sol to look at the face staring at us on the other side of their block tower. Too soon their face will just be a memory we have. I'm thankful The Lord brings me little teachable moments on busy days. I've been in high gear for close to 12 months, so it's going to be an adjustment switching it to low gear but I am thrilled I haven't waited until my children are grown to realize I need this. I need to set my cruise control and enjoy these small moments. Not for just my children but for me, and my soul. I want my kids to remember ME and my love for them, Not that they always had clean socks...

Blessings again,

The modest Mom 

Amanda